HUMOR

Red neck Newlyweds

A week after their hitchin,

the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor...

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried,"

said the husband.

"My testicles are turning blue." "That's pretty unusual,"

said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough,

the Redneck's testicles are blue.

The doctor turns to the partner.

"Are you using the jelly that I prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," his partner replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using?"

He replied "Grape".

The third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

Click here to add text.An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.

So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this!

He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion.

He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.

He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

I want one of them there dayvorces."

The lawyer said, "Do you have grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I have 140 acres."

The lawyer said, "No you don't understand. Do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I have a John Deere."

The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yes, that's what I park my John Deere under every night."

The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I wear it to church every Sunday."

The lawyer said, "Does she beat you up?"

The farmer said, "No, we both get up about 4:30 every morning."

The lawyer said, "Is she a nagger?"

The farmer said, "No, she's a little ol' white gal, but the last youngen' she had was a nagger. That's why I want a dayvorce."

It's a po-leece roadblock

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir," said Earl, "We're on the patch."

A Horse, A Rooster & A Harley

On the farm lived a Rooster and a horse, both of whom loved to play

together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a

bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the

rooster to go get the farmer for help!

Off the rooster ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he

searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had

gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the rooster spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding

the keys in the ignition, the rooster sped off with a length of rope

hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the

rooster arrive on the shiny Harley; and he managed to get a hold of

the loop of rope the rooster tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear

bumper of the farmer's bike, the rooster then drove slowly forward

and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the rooster rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,

and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies.

Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the rooster fell into a mud pit; and soon he,

too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large

puddle. Looking underneath, he told the rooster to grab his

hangy-down thing, and he would then lift him out of the pit. The

rooster got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

( Yep, you bet there is a moral! )

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley

To Pick Up Cocks ( roosters)

THE OLD HILLBILLY

After living in the remote wilderness all his life, the old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, '' How about that; here's a picture of my Daddy.''

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife Lizzy, did not like his father, so he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go to the barn and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn so one day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the mirror, she fumed and said to herself, ''So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.''

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the guys.

He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice. "It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool... They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos-about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm Telling ya man.....you'll have all the studs you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

Lord-Almighty Bubba!" said Billy-Bob,

"the tater goes in the front!"

From the Redneck Book of Manners

1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

2. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is

still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

***DINING OUT ***

1. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his

manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.

However, if you live alone..... deodorant is a waste of good money.

*** DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested. "I've been wanting to

go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years

ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat girl."

*** WEDDINGS ***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when

driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.